LUNA'S BURRITO
Posted by Erik Frey Wed, 15 May 2002 05:49:00 GMT
i will never, ever, ever again feed my dog fast food.
i guess i should have known better. hell, i can barely handle taco bell sometimes, it’s no suprise my eight month old puppy couldn’t.
it was just one of those moments of compassion/stupidity things. i’d gotten this GRILLED ‘STUFT’ BURRITO thing. a monster burrito filled with processed meat paste crap, lots of spices, old tomato, god knows what else. i ate a third of it and really didn’t like it. i got up to throw it away and luna was just sitting there, perfectly still, looking up with those ‘ohpleaseohpleaseohplease’ eyes.
man, i can’t resist that. i’m a sucker for it.
i guess i could have cut of a small piece and left it in her bowl, but NO, that would have been too logical, and way above my level of intelligence when dealing with cute puppy-dog looks. i dumped the whole damn thing in her bowl. i mean, the burrito was half a foot long. and it was gone in less than a minute after it fell into her bowl.
i don’t know if this is common, but luna farts all to be damned. and she likes to make sure that i’m dressed in nice work clothes before she sits in my lap and lets one rip. she’s also fond of enclosed places, like the car, to really let it fly. you’d never guess either, till you smell it – she never even bats an eyelash.
so i didn’t think much of it when i went to bed last night, and luna lay down next to us on the floor, and for about an hour, the room smelled like ass-burrito. na was pissed, and elbowed me a few times to make her point about dogs and foot-long burritos, but i couldn’t help but laugh. but i wasn’t laughing for long.
i woke up at 4 in the morning to get a drink of water. as i was walking down the stairs, i noticed the ass-burrito smell, and it was getting heavier as i got further down the stairs. at the bottom the smell was suffocating. i switched on the lights, and sure enough, behind the couch lay this gigantic pool of burritorhea, complete with little pieces of undigested tomato.
luna, of course, was upstairs sleeping soundly.
and she couldn’t just do it in one spot. she had to kind of spread it around, like some kind of impressionist poop portrait, fucking monet right there in subtle browns all over my carpet.
i stumbled into the kitchen and couldn’t find anything to clean with. i finally found an old pink paper gift bag and a roll of paper towels. shoveling liquid doggie burrito poop into a soggy paper bag at four in the morning wasn’t exactly fun, but i got it done, and i found some spot remover and scrubbed the carpet stains as best i could. na has this huge floor fan, so i set it in front of the stains and put it on max, to blow away the smell and dry the carpet by morning.
this morning i woke up, slightly groggy but refreshed. took a shower, got dressed and went down to get some breakfast. as i got down the stairs i was smacked in the face with one of the most horrid smells i’ve ever experienced. it made me squint and tear up… hell i can still smell it now at work, a phantom smell, so terrible i think i may never be able to forget.
i found another damn pool, really thick and mucousy this time, right where she’d left the last. but THIS time, the industrial sized fan i’d left running all night was positioned RIGHT in front of the poop. it had done a wonderful job of circulating the smell throughout the room. it was, i mean, ugh. it smelled like shit.
i spent an hour cleaning it up.
afterwards i washed my hands, skipped breakfast, and went to work.